TRANSCRIPT
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The Rabbi Daniel Lapin Podcast
Episode: Choosing a Wife
Date: 05/05/23 Length: 1:08:30
Daniel Lapin 0:00
Greetings, happy warriors, and welcome to the rabbi Daniel Lapin show where I, your rabbi will reveal how the world really works. Thanks for being part of the show. And thanks for everything you do to help promote and spread the word of the show. I very much appreciate that. And this is a show, as you already well know, this is a show that is not for the creeps and crooks and clowns and cranks of the world. No, this is the show for the men and women who want to live their best lives now. By constantly growing their finances, their families, their friendships, their faith, and their fitness. And since family, as I've explained, is at essence, the result of male female interaction, right? That's what creates family. And when you are at a family get together, and you feel the warmth, surge of camaraderie and closeness that you feel by being together with aunts and uncles and siblings and cousins and nieces and nephews. Spare thought just for a moment, to the fact that the only reason that you are basking in the bosom of your family right now is because many years ago, grandpa and grandma's eyes met and they formed a bond and found ecstasy in one another's arms. And the result of that your uncles and aunts, your siblings, your cousins. That's right. That's where it all came from. So let's take a moment to take a look at a book. Gosh, almost everybody reads this book in high school don't pay high school or during your I mean basically before you turn 20 Almost everybody has read Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. And, and if you haven't, you know it's a long big book and I'm reluctant to pledge your time. On anything even Atlas Shrugged. You know, it's not it's not the Bible. It's not you know, it's not perfect. It's not an absolute 100% must read. But if, if you spend a couple hours a week, looking at videos or movies or other entertainment on your screen, why don't you take a few weeks off the screen, and read Atlas Shrugged. And if you do, you will come across this passage. Observe the ugly mess, which most men made it make of their sex lives, and observe the mess of contradictions which they hold as their moral philosophy, one proceeds from the other. Love is our response to our highest values, and can be nothing else. Let a man corrupt his values in his view of existence. And he will have cut himself into his body will not obey Him who will not respond? Some people and his here's what Ayn Rand says. Some people think that sex is a physical capacity which functions independently of one's mind, choice, or code of values. A man sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions. Show me the woman he sleeps with, and I will tell you his valuation of himself. He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself. The woman whose surrender permits him to experience or to fake self esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own value, will want the highest type of woman he can find. The woman he admires the strongest, the hardest to conquer, because only the possession of a heroine will give him a sense of achievement. Not At the possession of a brainless sloth, there is no conflict between the standards of his mind and the desire of his body. Love is our response to our highest value and can be nothing else. That's stuff we're thinking about, isn't it? And so, today, I thought, what we need to learn a little bit about is choosing a wife. Now, why do I say choosing a wife, and not choosing a spouse? Well, because even after 60 or 70 years of the Feminist Revolution, after well over half a century of this sexual revolution, wouldn't you have thought that by now, half the marriages you hear about, would come to pass, because a man got down on one knee and held out a diamond ring to a woman, and said, Please accept this ring, and marry me and make me the happiest man in the universe, or some other such superlative. But the other half of marriages should come about, because a woman got down on one knee and held out a Rolex watch to a man and said, Please accept this watch, and become my husband and make me the happiest girl in the universe.
Daniel Lapin 6:44
But you know, as well, as I do, that, that doesn't happen. Oh, there are one or two cases I remember. While I was still doing terrestrial radio before the podcast days, I was discussing this point. And a woman called in and said, I don't agree with you, I proposed to my husband and we got married. And something spurred me to ask her, and are you still married? long silence? No, we got divorced, but it had nothing to do. Nevermind, don't tell me what it had to do with what it didn't have to do with that's not relevant to the conversation. There is something that is slightly off, in a case of a woman proposing to that could there be happy marriages out there where the woman proposed? Sure. There are always exceptions, absolutely. But not significant numbers, statistically insignificant, it is safe to say that the overwhelming majority of marriages come about because a man proposed marriage to a woman. Now, it's interesting that in ancient Jewish wisdom, this principle is laid out in the very language of the Bible, the Lord's language, the language of Hebrew, listen to this, you know, whether whether you like the Bible or you don't whether you know it, or you don't whether you it doesn't matter, but this you will find it interesting, that in this ancient language, which the second governor of the Plymouth Colony, described in his 17 century diary, and he said, the language in which God spoke to the patriarchs evolved. That was one of the founders of the United States of America. Well, it was was well before the United States, it was in the 1600s. But he did come over on the Mayflower. So the, the idea of Hebrew listen to this beautiful in Hebrew, the word for a young man is by her. Now, the general word, the general rule in Hebrew, for converting a masculine noun to a feminine noun, is you put an R sound at the end. And so, for instance, a ich is a man, a Shah is a woman. Yell Ed is a boy, y'all DA is a girl by her is a young man. And if you visit Israel and you listen to people saying, and talking, you're here somebody might say fo about hoorah. Where is the young woman because, if by her is young man, a general rule in the Lord's language is a suffix of Ah, turns it into a feminine noun. But her is obviously a masculine noun, a young man by hoorah, a young woman. Here's the funny thing. This is a word used only in modern Hebrew in in Israel today, but in Scripture, whereas you will find plenty references and plenty usages of the word Bahar young man or buckler, RIM plural, many young men, what you will not find even once is the word bajas a young woman, it doesn't exist. And what this tells us is something very significant, which is that this particular usage for a young person is appropriate for a male but not appropriate for a female How could this be? Why would it be? Allow me to enjoy sharing with you? Let me disclose the the answer here it is, the word buffer actually means choose. And so we get the idea that a young man and when we use that word Bukhari we're not saying a little boy, or we're not talking about a young boy who's just had his Bar Mitzvah at the age of 13. No, we're talking about older than that. And so it makes perfect sense that the essence of young masculinity in the upper teen years is choice by her choice, he gets to choose a girl. That's the essence of what we're talking about. And the central feature of a young man's life from the upper teen years into the early 20s is, it's time to make a very big choice. Choosing the woman you are going to live with. That's what it means. So why can't a woman choose? Well, because she doesn't. In reality, women basically, in a sense, have an easier way of it, right? Men go through these agonies of doubt and decision should they asked her to marry that shouldn't be a woman really only has to decide yes or no. A woman gets a proposal of marriage, she only gets to choose yes or no. But it's very hard for her to go out and choose a man, that is very tough. And the only way that works, and it works that way in many parts of the Jewish community. And that is where a woman might talk to her parents and say, you know, I, I've been noticing this young man, Jack, who I've seen him at the synagogue. And he's, he's sometimes been a friend of my brothers, I've sort of seen him around. And I am interested, I'd like to know whether he would be interested in in me. And the parents might in fact, go to a third party, somebody who knows jack, and the person would go to Jack and say, Hey, listen, there's a girl I think you should meet. And so in that sense, through using connections and and attempting to do it in that fashion, a girl might in fact be able to effectively choose a boy. But that doesn't mean he's gonna go along with it. But with a boy choosing is an act he does. And yes, he might be turned down. That is true. But he is choosing. And if a boy is turned down, does this mean it's the end of his life? And I know that instinctively, you're gonna say no, of course it isn't. It doesn't mean that. But how? How do we explain to a young man who's just been turned down by the woman he has chosen to be the woman he wants to spend his life with? And she's just turned him down? Is this the end of his life? Well, we have to explain that. And we have to talk about that. And part of the things that that we talk about is that, you know, it's the thing that's going through a young man, a boy whose mind and the girl he chooses is settling down, building a home, starting a family, building a future. That's that's what's happening. And for that, to be able to to occur, there needs to be an overall atmosphere of security and tranquility. Which is why, in in times of tremendous stress, whether military or economic, it's very difficult to get married because nobody has a clear sense of what the future holds. And for that reason, I became very interested a number of years back in the section of Genesis having to do with the story of Noah's Flood, right Genesis, chapter 5678, that that that section of Genesis, and I became interested in it because I knew from the teachings I've got from my father, I knew that this wasn't merely a mythological story about a great flood. But in reality, it was a description of how you and your family can endure, even when the world is going crazy around you. And so I created a video program. It's a two hour lecture on video, in which, even with no Hebrew background, even if you know no Hebrew at all, but through showing you things like I've just shown you about the word beholder and Bahara, you'll discover that there are no superfluous words in the original God given Hebrew Bible.
Daniel Lapin 16:47
I'll tell you that, among other revelations, I'm going to give you not only a lecture, a video teaching, but also I'm going to give you graphics, a lot of graphics that clearly show how this story of Noah, and the understanding of the Hebrew essence changes the entire meaning of a verse. I show you how even things like different Hebrew names used for God. And even though in the English translation, it just says God for each one, sometimes it says, Lord, sometimes it says God, but who would have thought that there's a major difference? Well, that's what you're going to see. In fact, these different names for God, serve as divine clues, to help us understand what is really happening to society around us, and what we can and should do in response, to defend and protect our own lives. I'm going to tell you this, even if you cannot read or comprehend a single word of Hebrew, I am going to guide you through this part of Genesis. With ease, and even enjoyment, we'll have a lot of fun along the way that I can tell you, you're going to gain insight into human behavior that will allow you to ensure that your faith, your family, and your finances thrive, no matter how stormy it gets outside. I'll go further than that. I'll say that this teaching, I intended to equip you with everything you need, not just to allow you and your family to survive, but actually to thrive. I mean, I start, even with the verses that list the 10 generations between Adam and Noah, you remember those and so and so big gap, this one and this one begat that one, you know what those verses are frequently skipped over. And going on from there through the story of Noah's building of the ark. Honestly, you're going to be amazed to discover practical life lessons, leaping off the pages of Scripture for you, lessons that you can apply immediately. And you're gonna see in it, especially if you've, if you've often thought about the fact that maybe you need to know a little bit more about the Bible. This is a perfect trampoline. This is a place to jump off from and, and you will see for yourself, this is not me lecturing. This is me pointing out things that you can see for yourself that the Bible is not a history book. By as a guide to living our best lives today, there are secrets that are embedded in the original Hebrew that I will show you how to unpack secrets that could change your life. Basically, what I'm saying is, the lessons in these Hebrew chapters are on how to build your own ark, and protect your family in today's terribly turbulent times.
Daniel Lapin 20:36
Have you ever heard about the Nephilim? And you've heard that Nephilim are strange forces? Well, don't worry about it, I am going to disclose to you exactly what the word Nephilim actually means. You are going to be shocked how relevant it is, you're going to discover that the Nephilim could really come off today's headlines. In fact, given some of today's headlines today, about gender, and about abortion, and the growing fury surrounding the abortion debate, wouldn't you like to know exactly how this began? And how the entire story that set in motion the events of Noah's Ark has a lot to do with abortion. It has a lot to do with Yes, sex. You might have noticed, those who have looked at the Bible, there's a character called Lemech, about whom we seem to be told more than we actually ever need, or more than we're even interested in what's Lemech doing there? Well, we're going to cover that as well. So go to the website, RabbiDanielLapin.com. And go ahead and get yourself he Gathering Storm: Decoding the Secrets of Noah, the video, the new release, you're going to be astounded. And as I say, if you're looking for a way to jump into a more serious understanding of the role the Bible has played, and is playing right now.
Daniel Lapin 22:34
I don't know if you read but a congresswoman was caught on video recently. Turns out that there are a few Bibles in a members-only sort of reading room, there's a quiet room in which members of the Congress are able to go in and read. And this Democratic member of the Congress, she was caught on camera, taking away the Bibles. She didn't want her colleagues to be able to access the Bible. Isn't that weird? I mean, really, in the 21st century? Should anybody care whether somebody else reads a 3000-year-old document? Really? Yes. If it was the Bible, then she does care. And why? Well, a lot of that will become clearer to you, after you have enjoyed The Gathering Storm: Decoding the Secrets of Noah that I have prepared in video form, for your enjoyment, and really to open up an understanding of Bible teaching for you. I'd love to hear what you think of it. So far. I'm getting a wonderful response. And that makes me feel good, because I think it'll become evident to you as you watch this. It'll become evident to you how much energy and how much work, Susan Lapin and I put in to bringing you he Gathering Storm: Decoding the Secrets of Noah. Yeah, it's for real.
Daniel Lapin 24:17
So I'm talking about the building of a family, all of which starts with selecting a wife. I'm not saying choosing a spouse, because this isn't about how a woman should choose a husband. That's a completely different discussion. And I have done a show on that. You can go back to an earlier date and find that show. But today we're talking about choosing a wife. Oh, come on Rabbi Lapin we're living in modern times. You sound so antiquated. This isn't 1950 And what's more You got a problem? You're a bit sexist. Okay, so people will sometimes say when I teach on this material, you know, come on. I mean, is this stuff still relevant today? Men and women separate roles. That's so 1950-ish. Today, everything is different stop being a sexist. And here is the response to that. My response to that is that whereas there are certainly many things that do change, mostly in the technological arena, I'm able to be speaking to you now, at this very moment, in a way that simply wasn't possible 100 years ago. Yes, you are going to be able to watch my video, you can download it right now of the Gathering Storm, decoding the secrets of Noah. That entire notion was unknown. 40 years ago, it's remarkable. These are huge changes that take place. But my dear happy warriors, there are certain things that don't change. Well, what about evolution?
Daniel Lapin 26:18
I mean, don't you think people are evolving? Well, how about if we don't go there for the moment? Maybe I'm not going to tell you right now, whether or not I believe that human beings are evolving? Because the answer is a little complicated. See, yes and no. And so it would take me in a direction that would be off-topic for now. But one thing we can all agree on is, every evolution doesn't happen in decades. It doesn't even happen in centuries. So even if you are sure that now that things are so different, after all, women can earn just as much money as men. And while women may used to enjoy having a man pay for the date, today, men will enjoy a woman paying for the day just as much. And my answers I said is that for now, one thing we can agree on is that evolution doesn't take place in days, weeks, months or years, doesn't take place in decades, doesn't even take place in centuries, doesn't even take place in millennia. And so the notion that the fundamental nature of masculinity and the fundamental nature of femininity, are undergoing significant change. No, that's not happening. And there just lots of proofs of it. One of them is that, in spite of more than a half a century of active and aggressive indoctrination of men and women into feminist theology, the fact is, that marriages still happen because a man proposes to a woman and not the other way around. And the fact is, that, oddly enough, that men whose wives outearn them have a much higher rate of use of Viagra than the general male population.
Daniel Lapin 28:45
This is a study from the University of Washington as well as in collaboration with the University in Denmark. And the study was published in the Personality and Social, the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. So, the authors study data of 200,000 married couples. And they noted that the results could be even worse in the United States, where there is a longer tradition than Denmark of husbands being a family's breadwinner. But the point of the study is that as soon as wives began out-earning their husbands drugs began to be needed for normal intimacy experiences within that marriage. Now, again, if evolution is changing, if I'm being a sexist, and if times are not the 1950s any longer, well, that shouldn't be happening. It really shouldn't. It should make absolutely no difference if husbands earn more than wives or wives earn more than husbands, but it does make a difference. And when wives out-earn husbands, one of the things that happen is what I just told you drug usage. And the other thing that happens is that the marriage is actually imperiled. Divorce is significantly more likely, when wives out-earn husbands, because money means something quite different to a man than it does to a woman. Oh, I mean, I understand yes, having a credit card and be able to shop on a superficial level. Absolutely. But making money goes to the very core of a man's masculinity. Making Money does not go to the very core of a woman's femininity. Well, who says Rabbi Lapin, who says? Well, I'll tell you who says who says is that whenever there has been an economic downturn, as there have been during the 70s, and 80s, and 90s, in various parts of the United States, when steel started leaving Pittsburgh when manufacturing started leaving the northeast, when furniture manufacturing started moving away from areas in which it had been a mainstay of the of the labor force. One of the things we found is that there's major incidents of male dysfunction in that most sensitive of all areas, the area of intimacy, when women lose jobs, or when women have financial setbacks, it's awkward, it's painful, it's horrible, bad experience, it doesn't make them feel less of a woman never does. When men go through periods of financial stress. Very much a result a very much a consequence is a loss of sense of masculinity. What is the very first question that a doctor asks a man who comes in complaining of erectile dysfunction, a man saying he's having trouble maintaining physical relations? The very first question the doctor says is, have you been going through any financial stress? Obviously, because money means something different to men than it does to women. So choosing a wife, when a man chooses that, obviously, this is a very big important thing. And, so I'm going to be explaining things that might easily stimulate somebody to say, Whoa, we're living in modern times, why are you sounding so ancient, you're sounding sexist? Of course, I'm sexist. There is no more basic polarity impacting the human being than masculinity and femininity. If I'm a sexist for saying that anybody who denies it is a moron. It's unbelievable. It's literally unbelievable, even though I know there are people who do. So one of the phrases that I hear from marriage, counselors, dating coaches, and relationship coaches, and I'm going to be quoting a lot of their material today, just because you do need to become aware of, of how mistaken so much of it is, but again, as you know, I never asked you to take what I tell you on faith, I tell you things and then I asked you to subjected to real-world testing. One of the phrases is what a huge gamble it is to choose a life partner. It's like this massive gamble, everything in your life in the future, how happy you will be in what you do and your family. All of this depends on who you choose. Okay, and I'm going to debunk that myth. People say that one of the reasons that men find it difficult to make that step into marriage is because they become intimidated by thinking about how overwhelmingly important it is to pick the right life partner. It's so intense. When you internalize the reality, the magnitude of what's happening, you choosing the person With whom you're going to spend the next 40, 50, 60 years. And right everyone who gets married assumes that their marriage is going to last forever. So since I think everybody would agree that this is one of the most important things in life to get, right, I mean, a man's got to get this right.
Daniel Lapin 35:26
How is it possible that so many smart logical men end up choosing a life partner who leaves them feeling dissatisfied and unhappy? How does that happen? Well, all of that is going to be explained in the remaining few minutes that we have together in today's show. And here is something that men are told all the time, right. You must get married before you're too old. And too old varies, you know, from 25 to 35. I mean, if you're not married, when you're 40, you know what that that's, that's a little bit light.
Daniel Lapin 36:17
But, and, and here is again, something that dating coaches and relationship coaches tell you. But whatever you do, don't marry the wrong person. So very important to get married on time. Okay, and this isn't me talking. Your Rabbi doesn't speak like this. I'm quoting, relationship coaches. Very important to get married before you're too old. But whatever you do, you mustn't marry the wrong person. I mean, what's worse, a 37-year-old single person, or an unhappily married 37 year old with two children? Well, obviously, you're much better off this is not me talking. Remember, I'm quoting a relationship coach. Obviously, you're much better off being a 37-year-old single, than being an unhappily married 37-year-old with two children. Because the 37-year-old single person is only one step away from a happy marriage. But the 37-year-old, unhappily married with children, has to either settle for permanent unhappiness, or endure a messy divorce just to catch up to where the single person is. My friends, you happy warriors, please tell me what was wrong. What is the huge lie in the paragraph I just read to you. Let me read the spot again. And I'll try and emphasize where the floor is where the problem is, here it is, okay. Surely, a 37-year-old single person is much better off than an unhappily married 37-year-old with two children. Because the 37-year-old single is only one step away from a happy marriage. But the 37 year old unhappily married person is either got to settle for permanent unhappiness, or endure a messy divorce just to catch up to every single person was, I'm sure you catch the fallacy here. And, what's so disturbing to me at any rate, is that this kind of thing is promulgated to large numbers of young single people. That they are told this, by all the I shouldn't say all but a huge number of these people who read it who operate as relationship coaches, so many of them are telling people this kind of thing. Let me tell you what the fallacy is, although I'm sure that most of you have already got it. A an N 37-year-old single person. Most women, or most certainly, most thoughtful women would have serious questions about dating a 37-year-old single man. And rightly so because they're gonna say, why is this little single 37 As a matter of fact, if they do date, and as they begin to develop some familiarity with one another, I can tell you one of the very first questions that she is going to ask him or want to ask him or want to ask somebody is, why are you still single? 37 Like what's wrong with you? And I've got to tell you in the Jewish community, in the Orthodox Jewish community, it's much younger than that. much younger. I got married in my early 30s. And when I was dating, I was 26, 27, 28. I can tell you that very quickly young woman would say to me, Look, I'm really I'm sorry, I don't mean to embarrass you. But you know, we're not just dating for fun. We're dating to see if we're compatible. And I have to ask you, how come you 28 And not married? And I'd have to say, well, well, I'm not going to tell you what I said, right now. It's but it's a legitimate question.
Daniel Lapin 40:39
And I always said, Look, you you're asking a very legitimate question. Some of it has to do with the fact that I emigrated to a new country when I was 26. And for the preceding couple of years, I knew I was going to be leaving where I was living. And so it was difficult for me to seriously data prospective wife, where I'd have to say to her, I'm not staying in this country. And she'd say, Well, where are you going? I'm not sure I'm, I'm thinking of going to the United States of America. But I'm not sure. A girl can't make a serious commitment to a guy who doesn't know where he's going to be living. Now, it's after you married the reasons you pick up a new move fine. But you're dating somebody in in and he's, you know, he's a 24-year-old guy, 25 year old guy, and he has no idea. It doesn't work. And then 26 I emigrate I said, I wasn't going to tell you my explanation. And here, I'm telling you. Well, I hope I hope I'm not boring you there any, but at any rate, you know, so I arrive in a new country, the age of 26. I can't just get married right away, because I have to establish myself to some extent, because I want to get the highest quality woman I can possibly reach to. And and to do that, I've got to achieve something first. And I can't say, Well, I did achieve something, you know, 7000 miles away in another country, that doesn't work. And so, so you know, here I am late 20s. And Only now do I feel ready to start? You know, for many of them. The explanation wasn't good enough. I you know, I get it. I really do. And so. So, this 37-year-old single, no, he's not better off.
Daniel Lapin 42:31
Many, many women would rather date a 37-year-old divorced guy than a 37-year-old, never-married guy. And you guys, if you don't believe me, just ask a few women of your acquaintance. That if circumstances were such that they were going to marry a 37 year old guy, would they rather a 37-year-old never married, or a 37-year-old divorced. And I think you will discover something that that I've discovered, which is that a majority of women would feel more comfortable with a divorced 37-year-old man than a single 37-year-old man. But the major fallacy the huge lie, is something even worse. And they say, because the 37-year-old married guy has to settle for permanent unhappiness, or he's got to go through a divorce. Wait a second, I want to tell you something that I have experience, not with one couple, not with 10 couples. But with probably between 20 and 30 couples in my experience, and that is that if you do not divorce when things are going rough, and you're feeling that, oh, this is over. This is a terrible marriage. But you stick with it. 10 years later, and I've had so many couples come to me, thanking me, some of them bearing gifts, thanking me for working with them to stop them from getting divorced, because they're happy. You see, we're not animals, we're human beings. Animals are in a static condition. What an animal is today. It'll be tomorrow a day older, but it's still the same with human beings. That isn't the case. You know, you can be an ordinary guide today. And in a year's time, you could turn out to be a really good piano player. If you devoted yourself during the year to learn a piano. You're a totally different person, your social life changed. Your career changed by virtue of you learning to become a really good piano player. Human beings change we grow Are we develop? We're not the same. You know, nobody would you like to be judged on who you were 15 10 Five years ago? No. Because you've grown, you've progressed in your five F's, your family, your faith, your friendships, your fitness, your finances, yes, you've grown, you've changed, it's very, very significant. And so the idea that the study seven-year-old unhappily married person is condemned to a lifetime of an unhappy marriage rubbish. They met a couple may need help, but they although they can get over their head. And that's the really important thing to understand. This is an incredible fallacy that just because you're going through a horrible patch, and you really don't like your wife, or your husband, and you think to yourself what a horrible mistake this was, I've got to get out of it.
Daniel Lapin 45:58
If, at that time, you remember the commitment, if at that time you remember the promise. And you say, Well, I'm going to stick with it. And usually, what I help couples do is, let's, let's just let's not move on this today, let's, you know what, it's the rest of your life, you talking about six months isn't a ridiculous amount of time, I know, it's gonna feel like torture, I know, your instinct is to tell me, there's no way I can live with him for six more months. But just do that, because you will have a different perspective than you have today. And, and this is really, really important. If you know a couple that is on the verge of divorce. Now sometimes, if it's gone too far, it may be very difficult to slow the process and reverse it. But this is really important. Just because there's an unhappy marriage today doesn't mean it's going to be unhappy in a year's time. And in five years, and in 10 years. And my experience, as I say, with dozens of couples, is that they persevered. They stuck with it, they saw it through, and now they are so happy. And they know that the odds of them being as happy had they got divorced back then are not very good. So let's try and understand. Try and understand what's really going on here. Human Biology evolved a long time ago. This is by the way, whenever you hear people saying human biology evolved, you got to be very careful, because you know that what's coming is going to be destructive. Human Biology evolved long time ago, and doesn't understand the concept of having a deep connection with a life partner for 50 years. In other words, we shouldn't expect enduring marriages today. Because when the concept of meeting evolved, it was for people didn't live as long the life expectancy was short. And so marriage was designed for a 20-year 25-year duration. But nowadays, we should in other words, this is legitimizing serial marriages, this is legitimizing marriage, divorce, marriage, divorce, marriage divorce. Yeah. Because our evolution is okay. Well, I don't think I have to tell you about that.
Daniel Lapin 48:36
Here's another thing I've heard them say. So the woman's got a ticking clock, and she's 35 and 36. And she's wondering about having children she wants to get married. Listen, I'd rather adopt children with the right partner than have biological children with the wrong one. I'm not denigrating adoption of children. But I'm even gonna go further than that. I'm gonna say that I fully recognize the boundless love and goodness that is bestowed upon a child by parents who adopt that child. It's incredible. It's blessing, it's wonderful, but it's not your child just isn't in plain English. There is a difference between your own biological children and adopted children. it's a difference. not saying that one shouldn't adopt obviously you can hear I'm not saying that but when people tell we're all this no rush to get married this is what I'm hearing women being told women late 20s early no rush to get married. Well I'm you know, I want I want to have children. Oh, you can always adopt children but that way at least wait till you got the right match you marry the right person, and then you'll adopt that's fine. That makes no difference. Yeah, it actually does make a difference. These are wrongheaded things that people are told today.
Daniel Lapin 50:14
I was very intrigued by something that was written by the German philosopher Frederick Nietzsche. And you know, Nietzsche gets quoted all the time is, God is dead, and so on, and so forth. All kinds of things Nietzsche goes on about, Nietzsche also had a lot to say about Jews, which, which is I found very interesting. But Nietzsche also wrote about marriage. And some of these things are interesting. I mean, I know you want to hear what I'm gonna say, not what Nietzsche is gonna say. But this is interesting, and I'll be able to bounce off it. But Nietzsche said, that, if people are going to make a good go of marriage, romantic feelings, and sexual attraction alone won't suffice. The relationship has to be built on a foundation of strong friendship. It is not a lack of love, by the lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages. Interesting. He also said, the best friend will probably acquire the best wife, because a good marriage is founded on the talent for friendship. And so all right, something to be said for that. If the woman you are thinking of choosing doesn't have any friends, that would be a little bit of a warning sign. And vice versa. By the way, even more importantly, if a man wants to date a young lady or even ultimately married lady, but by then you'd think she'd already have found this out, and she discovers he's barely got any friends. Big, big, big red flag, stay away. So
Daniel Lapin 52:17
let me say something else. One of the things you are going to do with your wife for more of the time than anything else, is have a conversation. In a way you could say that marriage is one long conversation. And and let me go back to Nietzsche here who says, How many married men who have experienced the morning, when it has dawned on them that their young wife is tedious? I should point out that Nietzsche himself was never married. And so taking marriage advice from a man who was never married, you can be a little bit questioning. It's like, somebody I know, came to came to me for marital help. And they themselves. They were going their marriage was going through trouble. And I couldn't. I couldn't believe what they were doing. And I said, Why are you doing that? And he said, well, our marriage counselor told us to do it. And he mentioned a marriage counselor who I happen to know, not well, but I know her. She has been divorced three times. She's divorced lady now. She's been married three times and divorced three times. I said to him, you're telling me that a woman has failed at marriage, not once, not twice, but three times is guiding you on how to hold your marriage together. And he had the good grace to smile abash idli because that is frankly ridiculous. Now, somebody said, Well, come on, you know, are you saying that a divorced person can't teach geometry? No, you know, I'm not saying that. But there's a very big difference between geometry and marriage. So that really does matter. One of the big things about marriage and again, I know that this makes me sound a little sexist and a little ancient, but that's okay. Because I'm speaking about things that don't change. And one of the aspects of ancient Jewish wisdom that I tell you about repeatedly, is that the more that things change, the more we need to depend on those things that never change and One of the things that never changes is that a man and a woman who marry are not becoming socio economic roommates.
Daniel Lapin 55:14
A marriage is something very different. You're not trying to live identical lives as if you mirror images of each other. You're not trying to both bring exactly the same energy to the tray table and trying to share everything down the line just as though there are no differences between you. That's not a marriage. You got to understand that. And her gosh, we come now to a very important thing. And that is a lot of people today, get married, and maintain completely separate finances. One of the things they do is they draft a prenup. What's a prenup? a prenup is a contract that a lawyer draws up for you before you get married. That says exactly how finances will be divvied up if you get divorced. Well, now prenups have a very useful purpose. Very often second marriages. When they're children, both husband and the wife have two children from earlier marriages. And there is a financial disparity perhaps or there's going to be a financial disparity. Each one might want to placate their own children and their own families. Knowing that there's a prenup that already lays out lays out how things will work. But ordinarily, when a young couple get married for the first time, I am very uncomfortable with a prenup. And I'll tell you why. It's a little bit like riding a motorcycle, the motorcycle tends to go where your eyes go. And so you've got to be looking, if you're on a curve, and you're leaning into the curve and you're sailing around the curve, then don't be looking at the road in front of your front tire. Don't be looking at the drop off into the canyon, just off the side, look at the end of the curve. And that's what your eyes should be on. Because when you go into a marriage, and you are designing the legal instruments for when you get divorced, it increases the likelihood of that very outcome. It's clear. And so the thing is that marriage and money are very, very closely linked. And as difficult as it is, and particularly with younger people today and I get the challenge, the tendency is let's just keep our own money. So each will each keep our money separate, we will each put in something every month towards the rent and the housekeeping etc. It's a bit of a problem. Now it's more than a bit of a problem. It's a real problem. Yeah, that's right. Sharing a bank account is just as important as sharing a bed.
Daniel Lapin 58:29
And now to the most important part, I think of today's show, is dealing with the question of how do I know if she is the one? And the answer is, and this is is very, very important and also very shocking. There is no such thing as the one there just as the fact is, gentlemen, male happy warriors, single male happy warriors looking to be married. The truth is, you could marry any one of 500 different women and have a wonderful life. Because the success of your marriage depends maybe 1% on who you pick, and 99% on how you sir, conduct your marriage, not what she does what you do. That is the burden and privilege of being a man. I could not be more emphatic about this. It doesn't matter who you choose. Correction let's let's let's just give some caveats there. It has to Be a woman for whom you feel physical attraction. It has to be a woman who shares your set of values. What's important in life, how you feel about money, how you treat family, religion, and that usually, if religion is that usually covers all of that, she needs to share your mission. And that's right before you get married, you should have a mission. What I was talking about earlier, in my own personal experience, is a sense of mission, my my path in life, what I was trying to accomplish, what I wanted to do, not for the next 50 years, but certainly for the next few years, what I the my next mile post, what I'm trying to achieve, what my mission is, don't date, a woman seriously, don't even begin the process of choosing a wife, until you have a mission. She has to be feminine, she which by which I mean to say she has to be the opposite of aggressive, call it agreeable, if you like likeable. And, and finally, she needs to respect you. Now, if she doesn't, that's not necessarily a flaw in her, it may be a flaw in you. Because part of being respected, respected is having a mission. So you got to get all that stuff lined up, you got to know where you're headed, your finances have to be on a path, your fitness has to be on a path. Don't Don't date before that it's a waste of time and money, you're also wasting adults time, don't do it,
Daniel Lapin 1:01:51
you got to make sure that to some extent you're on a path in terms of your mission in terms of your finances, in terms of, of your fitness, you got to you got to be in good shape in a number of areas. And then you go ahead and find a woman choose a woman who is attractive to you, and who will share your values. And she's got to have a clear picture of what they are. That means you've got to have a clear picture of what they are. She's got to be excited about wanting to be part of your mission. And she needs to be feminine, meaning agreeable. And she needs to respect you those those are important things. Those things said, in other words, if we have 100 Women who would fit those parameters, right? How many women are they in within 100 miles of where you live? If you're a single happy warrior? How many women? Are they within 100 miles where you live? Who could fit those requirements? Would you agree 100? For sure, right? Well, you could marry any one of those 100, it doesn't matter. In other words, stop thinking that choosing a wife is the biggest gamble of your life, it isn't. Stop thinking that your whole future depends on who you choose. It doesn't. It depends on how you conduct your marriage. And I use the word conduct in the same way that the conductor of an orchestra conducts. Because part of the burden and privilege of being a man is you lead your marriage. And I will tell you this, as a rabbi who has had a great deal of experience in marriage work, I'll tell you this, that in the overwhelming majority of cases, I can't put an exact number on it. But if you force me I'd say, over 80% Well over 80% When their marriage problems, I can basically send the wife home and, and just work on helping the man improve and get right. Because to a large extent, a wife will grow to be a reflection of you in many, many ways. And so if you are radiating less than what you should be, don't be surprised if you're not happy with the way your wife develops and grows. And that's an important thing to understand. Marriage is the greatest graduate school in the world. Marriage makes you grow. Marriage makes you change. Marriage makes you develop both of you, of course. And so the idea that in five years into a marriage, you're going to be the same person you are now it's absurd. You won't be you'll think differently. You'll see it will be very different. And again, anybody who is in a good marriage will tell you what I've just told you is absolutely the case. But above all, perhaps the most important thing to understand is, you can go ahead and choose a wife, if if, if your ducks are lined up, and you ready to get married, you can go ahead and choose a wife, a high-quality wife, out of any one of 100 women, pick one, it just doesn't matter that much. Because the direction of your life, and your happiness and your fulfillment will end up being pretty much the same in all cases. You know, there's sometimes unforeseen sins, God forbid somebody has an unforeseen disease or something fine. I mean, yeah, life throws curveballs. We're not talking about that right now. But generally, in the normal course of life, it doesn't matter. What you need to know is not how to choose a woman. What you need to know is how to run a marriage, how to conduct a marriage, after you've chosen. That's the key thing. And so that is the main message for happy warriors today. And that's for male happy warriors. Choosing a wife, that's what this is all about. And so, just please know that, that your plan to marry a high quality woman doesn't end when you get married, that's when it begins. Because the extent to which a woman becomes a high quality woman is to a large extent dependent on the man she's married to, that's you. tremendous responsibility resting on those shoulders of yours, happy warrior. But in growing into those burdens, you will become a bigger and a better man. And understand what lies ahead. And how you can build an ark for yourself that will protect you, your family, your finances, your faith, your fitness, all of that, in the video teaching the video program I told you about before, go to my website, Rabbi Daniel lapin.com. And there you will be able to download a copy of The Gathering Storm, decoding the secrets of Noah, not only useful for making decisions in tough times that we're all I think seeing on the horizon, but also a really good way to begin to grab a hold of the Bible in an utterly revolutionary and new way, a way in which it serves not as an ancient book, not just as a guide to faith, but as a guide to faith and family and finances, and fitness and friendships, all of those. And so, with my very best greetings until we are together next time. I am your rabbi Rabbi Daniel Lapin. Have a wonderful week. God bless you.
