TRANSCRIPT
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The Rabbi Daniel Lapin Podcast
Episode: Marriage: Sharing a Bed and a Bank Account
Date: 12/20/23 Length: 1:08:34
Daniel Lapin 0:00
Greetings, happy warriors, and welcome to the Rabbi Daniel Lapin show where I, your rabbi, reveal how the world really works. Thanks for being part of the show. And thank you for all you do to help promote it and get the word around. I'm recording this close to the end of the year 2023. And our growth in subscriptions has been beautiful and very, very heartwarming. So, if you have yet to do your part in subscribing to the show, why wait? Put me on pause and take care of it right now. That'll be terrific. Thank you very much indeed. And, and so here we are close to the holiday of Christmas coming up, and I unquestioningly wish you a joyful and uplifting Christmas. Not happy holidays, not Season's Greetings, but a joyful Christmas. I deplore the secularization of the culture, but you probably already know that about me. You know, they used to try to stigmatize Bible believing God fearing Christians, as dogmatic ignoramuses trying to force their stupid ideas down everyone else's throats. Now look at Progressive woke university educated, cultural orphans, and see what dogmatic ignoramus as they are, as they try to force their stupid ideas. That a woman who's had a breasts and uterus removed is actually a man and not a criminally mutilated woman. And vice versa, that a man with his Adam's apple and his manhood surgically removed, is now a woman instead of what he really is, which is a badly mutilated man. Nothing that Christians ever believed or advocated for was ever even 100 as stupid and never did Christian so dogmatically and oppressively force their ideas, as do progressive woke university educated cultural orphans, forced these ideas of theirs, making life miserable for all of us who resist, but then that's always been the fate of the resistance, right? Those in France who stood up to the German occupation and constituted the resistance, they had rough lives, and many of them lost their lives.
Daniel Lapin 3:03
So meanwhile, stores in America are fearful of wishing us Merry Christmas, and Christmas music that you hear is now not sacred, but stupid. All the beautiful songs, the Christmas songs rooted in spiritual values. Yeah, hard to hear them nowadays. Right? What a shame. Anyways, one of the consequences of secularism, you know, people sometimes say, Well, you know, fine, so the culture is becoming more secularized. How does it hurt you? If you want to be a believer, go ahead. Nobody's stopping you. You know, you want to believe in go ahead. Nobody's stopping you. But for everyone else, it's better to have a secularized culture because after all, whose religion should we follow? You know, if you follow one religion, you'll offend the others. If you follow Buddhism, you'll offend the Muslims. If you follow Hinduism, you'll offend the Muslims. If you follow Christianity, you will offend the Muslims. And yeah, needless to say, Judaism as well, so but it's not true. The culture of America was Christian, and that was to everybody's benefit. Didn't hurt anybody. I used to like seeing Christmas decorations when they were around. I liked being on a street where people decorated their houses for Christmas. I like that. I like going to stores that decorated their their stores for Christmas. It was a special time of the year. I liked it. I liked that people were buying presents for one another. And because religion brings out more of a selflessness in people all right, I mean, this is well known the literature on it is vos that religious people are far more charitable than secular people. That's a reality, by the way. So it is a loss when a culture becomes secularized. And one of the things that suffers when a culture becomes secularized is marriage and children marriages diminish. And the number of children being raised diminishes. Now, I don't have to spend time right now explaining why that is a calamity. But it is a calamity. It is difficult. By the way, here's some talking about difficult raising kids. Here is some devastating stats, and that is that children have far better outcomes in terms of behavior and academics, when they live in a neighborhood of married people with families, as opposed to if they live in a single neighborhood neighborhood occupied by singles mostly, wouldn't you be surprised? I mean, isn't that an astounding reality? Just think about it. It's amazing. Your children, regardless of whether you're married or single, your children will do better if most of the people around you are married and raising families, your children will do better. And so the fact that secularism is on the rise means that there are fewer marriages, and it means there are fewer families being formed, fewer children being born. It's a huge problem. economically and financially. It's a problem problem for the criminal justice system. It's a problem culturally and socially. It's a huge problem. So secularism is not to be taken lightly. I promise you. One of the areas I said Is marriage. And here is an ask the rabbi question that came through to us. And I think you'll find it very interesting. I'm going to just read it you just as we got it. Okay. Dear rabbi, and Susan, my husband has started behave being annoyingly controlling over one of my work friendships. Yes, okay. It is with a man. And I think I know what you will say. But it is entirely platonic. We talk mostly about work related matters when we go out for lunch together, though also about the news and occasionally other things like our interests and our families. We have lunch together once or twice a week on average. And my husband does not understand that is just because neither of us like luncheon alone. My husband is acting very hurt about this. And I've told him how inappropriate that is. I wouldn't be writing to wear it not that some of the other girls that I'm friendly with it work that I've told about this side with my husband. I think part of it is jealousy that this guy, he is a senior manager chooses to lunch with me. These girls are trying to tell me that I am having an affair, an emotional affair, and that my husband is right to be unhappy about it. But the truth is that an emotional affair is just a psychobabble term. I am not having any affair. Nor do I want an affair. Neither does this guy. It's just a harmless work thing. Please help me explain this to my husband. And this is from Amy. So we did explain it to Amy and not to her husband. We explained to her because she's the one who wrote and she was good enough to follow up with some of our suggestions, and good enough to get back to us with answers to two of the questions we raised. So here are the odds are here is the answer. Point number one, Amy.
Daniel Lapin 9:06
platonic friendships between men and women between the ages of 15 and 70 are very similar to unicorns. They are pretty to imagine, but they're otherwise non existent. That's right. platonic friendships between men and women between the ages of 15 and 70. Pretty much non existent doesn't mean you don't think it is. But you're on. Point number two. It may have been platonic for you, but it was not for him. You may not have wanted an affair, but he did. What is more, you say you didn't want an affair. And that is true. You really believe that? But it isn't true. Excuse me, but it is true until it isn't. That is why there is a very common phrase that we hear from couples all the time. who are trying to rebuild their marriage after betrayal, the phrase we hear is one thing led to another. And when we speak to the couples engaged in trying to build, rebuild a shattered marriage, and we say, So, did you go into this in order to have an affair? And the women always say, No, of course not one thing led to another. Yeah, we hear that all the time. Absolutely. With a guy's a little bit less. Sure. More, more than one guy, a lot of them, in fact, have in response to our question of like, is this When did you start going into this with her with the intention of it becoming a extramarital affair? And the guy doesn't say no, so quickly? And very often, he says, Well, you know, I guess I was hoping that's what they say. And so, so, yes, I don't doubt that Amy thought it was platonic. But and and it probably wasn't the time for her. I don't believe it was for the guy. And we told her that. And I'll tell you in a moment, what we advised her to do. Point number three, I, without knowing you personally, or knowing the people involved, I'm going to make a prediction Amy, and that is that this guy you lunch with makes more money than your husband. I'm not saying your husband wouldn't have been troubled if it was a lower ranking guy financially, but this way, it is devastating. Point number four, how would you a knee feel if it was reversed? And your husband was meeting with a younger and prettier woman at work just for lunch? They didn't. They absolutely didn't touch each other. They didn't even shake hands. They didn't hug nothing. They just enjoyed being together. Yes, an emotional affair is a real thing. And in this case, it's not psychobabble, it's real. And we recommend that that AMI goes ahead and tries to talk to the guy. And and she should say to him, how would you feel about escalating our relationship to the physical? And please tell us what he said, Well, she didn't she did. And she said to the guy, how would you feel about escalating our relationship to the physical? And he blinked a time or two and swallowed once? And said, what yes, if you'd like to absolutely, I'd love to. She was shocked out of her mind, she came back to us and told us exactly how that had gone down. She was absolutely astounded. She could not believe that he looked at her that way. Couldn't believe it. He was she was absolutely sure that it was just a friend. That's all. And we explained to her that that doesn't exist with males between 15 and 70. There is no such thing as just a woman, we see every woman now we may suppress it in the interests of our civilization, and the fact that we want to get away from the primitive image of a man who can't restrain his sexuality and who can't see women as people instead of sexual objects. And so we're frightened to concede that point. But bottom line. Overwhelmingly, almost every man listening to my voice right now, will not internally to himself with a smile and say, Absolutely, that's correct. So Amy was shocked that her lunchtime companion, looked at her as a an attractive woman for him. She didn't see it that way. But he certainly did. So she she reported back to us how that went down. And she very wisely said to him, Well, in that case, we have to terminate our lunches. We can't do this anymore. And he just didn't get it. He said, Oh, why do you? Well, because she needed to know. So. So that all I think ended reasonably happily. And she also confirmed for me that he this guy was financially more significant than her husband was. So all of that makes sense. And we, we understood it and more importantly, so did Amy. Now, something that we could not say to Amy and our response to her, because it really was something that we would want to say to Amy's husband, but he didn't write to us she did so we couldn't say but I'm going to tell you Whew. And that is that if I could speak to Amy's husband, and who knows, maybe his listening, I would say to him, you only mistake was to quoting your wife's letter you been annoyingly controlling. That means, I think that you were by far and away not nearly firm enough. I understand totally, your reluctance to appear primitive and to fulfill all the old stereotypes of jealous males. And I understand that you would sort of feel it humiliating to to be that way. And, and so you probably let this go for a long time, even though you knew she was having regular lunches once or twice a week with this guy, you probably let him go on for a while before you even said something. And then you probably sounded because you had had weeks and weeks and weeks of being irritated by this, you probably didn't realize how irritating and irritated you sounded, when instead, you should have sounded not at all irritated, but very much more firm than you did to say that you weren't happy about it. That's not the way this should go. The the way it should go is, as your husband, I absolutely forbids you to have these lunches, it's stopping right now. Now, your wife, Amy, might well throw fit at hearing words like that. A spirited woman probably would you know who, who who are you? How dare you? Tell me what I may or may not do? And at which point he should have said, Look, I don't think you understand this is a marriage defining moment. I am telling you that our marriage is contingent on this, you got to stop this right now. And I'm perfectly happy. In fact, I want to explain to you exactly why I'm so firm about this, you may not have any interaction with this guy when there's no one else around, not at lunch, not in an elevator nowhere. Only in meetings where other people are present for business purposes. That's all. And that's really what Amy's has been should have said to her. There's a possibility that on a deep level, Amy would have felt really good too. I mean, on one hand, there's a part of her says, you know, how dare you don't tell me what to do. I think there's another part of her that probably said, Wow, he really cares. That's, that's, that's something that's terrific. And for those of you who are more interested in this, then I'm going to give it credit for it in today's show. And I think you probably already begin to have a little bit of a sense of why the title of the show was a marriage being sharing a bed and a bank account. But if you are interested, what I strongly recommend that you do is read. Tolstoy is a Russian novelist, Tolstoy he wrote a wonderful book called Anna Karenina. And basically, again, not to condense hundreds and hundreds of pages into a 30 seconds but
Daniel Lapin 18:33
at the the book is showing us that Alexei Kernan, Anna's husband, could have saved his marriage. He absolutely could. His mistake was doing exactly what Amy's husband did, which was sort of be mildly unhappy about it, and just coming across as petty and jealous, instead of coming across as the leader of the marriage as the husband of the marriage. And, and that's that's kind of what happens, because instead of instead of being firm with her, Corinne sort of sees that his wife is acting inappropriately with Vronsky and he's shocked because they've had a good marriage. And, and he's frightened and bothered and even argues to himself, you know, if he should do what I just recommended for Amy's husband, if you should stand up and say to her, this is stopping right now, you may not see this man anymore. His name was Ron ski, a dashing army officer who was paying considerable attention to Anna with every intention of starting an affair. And, and so what what happened is that he feels how how can he speak to his wife so firmly? She's beyond reproaches never till now giving him a reason to, to be bothered and to be generous. And in any event, he looks at jealousy as a negative trait, you know, what sort of what sort of man is jealous, I mean, he comes across as petty and Joe, that's not good. And he also would feel humiliated at doing that. And so he hesitates out of fear of insulting her and making her angry. And he, so he doesn't do that, he makes it clear, he's not happy. But he doesn't do much more than that. And, and we know that earlier on, there was a time when Anna had told him, you know, that, that she's having attention paid to her likeness, and she sort of reported it almost jokingly, and, and, and he Qur'an and made light of it, saying, No, you know what, this? Yeah, you have to expect this, you know, you meet people at the opera and the ballet or the theater, and there's flirting, and this is all just part of social interaction. You know, it's not a big deal. That's what he said, she was probably basically, on a subconscious level, perhaps saying to him, hey, you know, tell me what to do here. Stop this, this is not a good thing. I can't stop it myself. But you need to help me stop it. Because Anna did not want to destroy her marriage. But she was feeling seduced and lured into this relationship. And Bronski was exploiting that to the fool. And so and so, you know, she's listening to how he treated and saying, you know, this is what happens with people, she takes that as sort of almost a permission to go ahead. And even when corendon finally decides, you know, what this can carry on, he's got to do something, he still is not sufficiently strong, and wise, and he doesn't come across correctly in how to get through to her heart, and tell her this has to stop. And so, you know, he sort of talks about, you know, listen, this is going to make a bad impression people see, you're hanging out with Wronski. I know you're not doing anything, you know, and she probably blushes at that. But, but it's not good. It's not good for our children. And it's not good for for anybody to, to see this going on, you really got to stop it. And she hears that. And she minimizes them, she says, so it's not a big deal. He just cares about how it looks to others. So if I make sure that nobody sees anything, well, that's that's all. And so although although Corinne and does speak of his love for her, that's sort of secondary, to the way he's talking about multiple people saying, it'll not be good for your son, and so on and so forth. So she, she concludes as part of the way she sort of rationalizes things to herself. She says, My husband doesn't know what love is really all about. But Ron, ski this army officer, he gets it. And so that's how it goes. And and it's important to understand this aspect of marriage. I don't think Amy's husband is the first husband this year, to make this mistake of not being not being clear to his wife, that the relationship is exclusive. And that yes, they are emotional affairs, as well as for the physical affairs and emotional affairs very often lead to physical affairs. But even if they don't, it's a problem. Because the husband and wife are supposed to be one unit. And you see, here's what's so important to understand. It's, it's quite remarkable, if you think about it, that two people a man and a woman, who may be six months ago didn't even know each other, are now living together in the most intimate way possible, building a future together, looking ahead to a lifespan together. And these are people who didn't even know each other up till a few months ago. Now, I know that today. It's not that common. People date for years, and then they get engaged and they stay engaged for years, and then they eventually get married. Well, that's not anything that your rabbi recommends at all. And it's in religious circles, both Jewish and Christian. It's not at all uncommon for people to get married within six months. have the time they get to know each other in the first place. As a matter of fact, Susan Lapin Hello? Did we get married within six months after we first met? I think we did. She's looking at her fingers.
Susan Lapin 25:14
First Net, said it was seven months. First, it was, it was four months, it was
Daniel Lapin 25:21
seven months from when we first saw each other, but didn't have anything to do with each other. But we got married four months after our first date. Anyway, my point is that this is really amazing. Because think about business partnerships. They usually involve substantial contracts, partnership agreements. And, and even so, you know, it's very often that partners disagree, and sometimes even go to court. And then they have to resort to the the wording of the contract and the intent of the contract, in order to make the relationship function on some level at least. And yet, a man and a woman become life partners, with very little in the way of a contract. And off they go. How's that supposed to work? It's remarkable. And the answer is that marriage is a covenant, both in churches and synagogues, weddings use the wording. John and Jane have entered into the holy covenant of marriage. That's a very common phrase, what's the difference between a covenant and a contract mainly that a covenant involves a third party. A contract is between John and Jane. A covenant is between John Jane and God. That's what a covenant actually means. And this is one of the reasons that the most reliable correlation for marriages, when marriages happen when they don't, is the religiosity of the culture in which the couple live. If they live in a secular culture, marriage is much rarer if they live in a religious culture, marriage has happened. So that's one of the reasons that the correlation is absolutely reliable that in religious communities, there are many, many more marriages than in secular communities in religious communities. There are many more babies born then in secular community. And there's a caution there, but but bottom bottom line, we got to understand that marriage is essentially a religious function. Yes, I know people today get married at the magistrate's office are at the clerk of the city hall. But it's a distortion of the reality. It is essentially a religious undertaking, because it relies so much on faith. And the point is that the faith itself strengthens it. It's as if the faith becomes self fulfilling. And even in a secular marriage, you see that playing out by Oh, we love each other, we're in love. And that's what makes them go ahead. Now, until recent times, it was also lust. And, and so that pulled them towards marriage as well, today for obvious and sad reasons, less so. But it's still a case of sort of feeling impelled to be permanent. Right? Because in exactly the same way that a man wants exclusivity. Even Anna's husband, Mr. Khurana wanted exclusivity entirely, not just physically but emotionally as well. Right? Very much. So. It also is a desire for exclusivity on an ongoing basis. Yes. Now, admittedly, yes, they are men who have been sufficiently damaged by the culture and by their own behavior, that they are perfectly willing to have a one night stand with a woman and never call her again. And she's brokenhearted and upset because she realizes that something really meaningful and profound has happened, namely, physical intimacy. And she can understand that to him, it's unimportant. And that has happened because unfortunately, our behavior regulates our beliefs. And the more we do a certain thing, the more okay that certain thing begins to seem to us. And so yes, there are men that way but normal, it may be average, that behavior may be average, but it's not normal. Normal behavior is very different. normal behavior is that A man feels a deep and profound and almost overwhelming sense of possessiveness towards the woman he is, together with. So much so that there's all kinds of silliness out there, if you've ever heard of the bro code, right? This is young men have a code in which it's accepted, you don't date, the girl that your buddy has just broken up with. And you don't even ask him if it's okay, until a good certain period of time has elapsed. It's understood why because you're violating this idea that he doesn't want to think of her with you. Even though they've broken up, he still felt a profound sense of permanent possessiveness. And it's hard to lose that. That's why we have a very formal divorce ceremony to end the marriage. Because it's very difficult to terminate this very natural inbuilt hard wired feeling that we are together now for always, that's what the act of physical intimacy brings about. And so marriage is a very natural consequence, very natural. It's, hey, I want this to be forever, I, You are only mine from now onwards, he says to her, and her heart thrills in ecstasy hearing those words, because that's exactly what she wants as well. That that's how it works.
Daniel Lapin 31:42
And this thing called marriage really, really good for kids. Kids are safer physically and spiritually, educationally in every possible way. Kids do better when they're living with their natural married mother and father. And as I said, so powerful is this dynamic, that even if the friends your kids hanging out with or not living with married parents, your child suffers from that it's not a good thing. Your your, ideally, you want your children to hang out with kids who themselves are also living with their natural married parents. And that's, that's how big and important this is, let alone afterwards, for family formation. And for culture. And for economics, there are all kinds of huge reasons. But all of this, whether you like it or not, is linked to faith, it's linked to God, it's linked to religion, whether you like it or not, I'm not saying if you're not religious, you can't be married or have a good marriage or have a happy marriage. The statistics, however, are that if you are religious, and you marry a religious woman, and number one, you're more likely to get married. Number two, you're more likely to stay married. And, you know, again, people don't like hearing this stuff. So when you hear about problems with kids, they speak in terms of poverty statistics, they speak in terms of crime, they speak in terms of governmental action and child care. But nobody says the one most important factor concerning the welfare of kids, and that is marriage of their parents. Because people feel it's judgmental. We're pointing fingers at people who have children or not married, or we've have point fingers, people who have children, and they're divorced. And you have these are real problems. And I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, you're suffering from it. I'm sorry. You are divorced. I had the situation recently where I was at an event with a lovely young woman who unfortunately is divorced. And she, she was there with a couple of kids. And somebody asked me questions about divorce. And I was talking extensively about some of these things. I'm telling you now about the quality of, you know, quality of life, neighborhood society, culture, how much depends on marriage and how problematic divorces and I went up to offices. And I said, you know, I hope you don't mind. And, you know, she was fine. But it's, it is hard. And, and yes, it's painful. We, you know, we've all made mistakes in our lives, and to be reminded of them, is is very, very painful. But as you well know, I can't massage you with warm butter. I have to tell you how the world really works. And sometimes it's painful to listen and you know what, sometimes it's even painful for me to say, but I have to, and you need to hear it. And so, if marriage is very much a function of faith, then it might be interesting to hear what the attitude towards marriage is on the Part of those who are on the opposite end of the spectrum from faith, there would be people like Plato, the ancient Greek philosopher, and his good students, people like Marx and Engels, communists, socialists, progressives, go back to the Communist Manifesto. The nuclear family, meaning mother and father, husband and wife has to be obliterated. And they don't use more gentle nomenclature than I do. They are very firm and very solid on this, that marriage must be here, right? Because if you're trying to design a Godfrey society, called communism, then obviously you are going to have the opposite attitude towards marriage, then is held by a god centric society. So not surprisingly, you're going to be stringently and vigorously hostile to marriage? And sure enough, they are. What else? Are they vigorously hostile and upset about? Private property, private property, ownership of property money, that's what they're upset about. And sure enough, Marx and Engels are emphatic about this, that private property and the nuclear family have to be demolished, got to get rid of them. Because only that way will we be able to build a brand new society that the world has never yet seen, but in which there will be true freedom and equality for etc, etc, that you've heard it all. But and you get it from university professors today, you get it from woke progressives, you get it from ardent dyed in the wool communists, anybody who is committed to a god free view of reality, is going to be hostile to marriage and family. And they are going to be hostile to private property ownership of things. So, you know, I've just finished celebrating the holiday of Hanukkah. And, interestingly enough, in ancient Jewish wisdom, the the entire section dealing with the regulations and rules of Hanukkah, begins with the words that, you know, 2200 years ago, the Greeks were in control of the Middle East. And they ruled over the Jews of Judea and Palestine. And they assault now, here's what's interesting. You would think if you if you know, even the most basic things about Hanukkah, you might say, well, here's the beginning of the most important listing of structures, what Hannukah is all about and what it means and what you're supposed to do. Wouldn't you have thought that? Well, you know, 2200 years ago, the Greeks violated the temple in Jerusalem, and they destroyed the sanctity of the oil, and there wasn't any oil left except a tiny little bit, and it lasted for eight days. Yeah. But that's not what the sage my monitors is right? He says, No, the problem is, the Greeks came into Judah, and they seized our money and our women. And what does that mean? Well, they they help themselves, they, they just took a whole lot of money under the guise of taxation without limit, because they didn't agree with the idea of private property. The government will give you what you need, but you've got to hand over everything. And what does it mean they seized our women? And the answer is it means that they practiced something called prima Nocta. The first night in, in I think that's Latin. In French, it's called La draw this send your meaning the right of the lead nobleman, the governor, the head, the head, Politico of the of the region, gets to sleep with every bride on her first night. And then after that, she goes to her husband. And as you can imagine, because of what we were just discussing earlier, the exclusivity idea, the idea of how very hard it is to repair a marriage when a wife has slept with somebody else during the course of the marriage. It's a huge problem, and you can pretend to be as sophisticated as you like, and you can pretend to overcome your primitive jealousies, but it's not going to go easily. And so I was, as you can imagine, when the Greeks practice prima Nocta, against the Jews of Palestine 2200 years ago, as you can imagine, it drove a dagger into the heart of marriage, very difficult for marriages to function. Normally after that, and that is what drove the Maccabees to pick up arms. Tiny little band of gorillas picks up pick up arms, and they make war against the mighty Greek empire. And, and win, at least for a short period. So, yeah, that's what it was about money and marriage. That's what it is. And so, the title of today's show, yeah, sharing a bed and a bank accounts, because both are very connected. You remember that wonderful Mel Gibson movie called Braveheart. And your member, evil King Edward Gallup's into a village to interrupt a wedding celebration. And he yells out from on top of his horse, I've come to claim the right of prima Nocta. As Lord of these lands, I will bless this marriage by taking the bride into my bed on the first night of her union. And of course, the groom goes nuts and it has to be restrained by Edwards, bullies. And then King Edward, as he starts to ride off with a girl says to the villages, it is my noble, right? Okay. And, again, when you think about it, if you take away the godliness if you take away the sanctity, and, and if if sex and physical intimacy, or just a spinal spasm, and there's nothing to add, really. And that in, in reality,
Daniel Lapin 41:38
women and men can just have casual sexual relationships, and everything's going to be just fine. It turns out not to be the case, for women, even more than for men, and there are reasons for that. But that is what we're actually looking at right now. The bed and the bank account. And of course, the bed is what produces married what produces family, of course, because it produces children, and then there are other children and their siblings and uncles and aunts, and eventually cousins, and so on, everyone sits around the Thanksgiving table. And hopefully the elderly couple with twinkling eyes looking around with pride and joy are their children and their grandchildren. And everybody you know, is happy and and feeling the warm glow that spontaneously surges up in a family gathering of that kind. And nobody sort of necessarily actually thinks about it. But the reality is that the only reason that you are there, and the only reason you're there with your siblings, and your cousins, and your uncles and your aunts is because many many many years ago, grandpa and grandma found ecstasy in one another's arms. That's why were their beds produce family as using it as a euphemistic metaphor. So that that's what happens. And, and the money. Well, something that the marriage counselors, almost everybody agree that by far the overwhelming majority of marital problems revolve around sex and money. And usually combined, usually those two together. We know for instance, and this was well, I'll just tell you, this was a study produced by Washington University in St. Louis, and it was released in February 2013. And the title of the study is men married to women with higher incomes, more likely to use erectile dysfunction medication. Right. That's the academic language of the of the university system. But it's been reported many times it's been duplicated. You know, you might you might wonder how on earth do they know? And the answer is because in the United States, medical information is vast, I mean, we really, really know a lot about the medical. Now, again, there's supposed to be privacy so that what they do is they make it very hard to other than for your doctor. The the data is available to researchers, but the identity of the people involved should be kept completely private. And that's the way the system is meant to work. I hope it does. But but this information was not hard. They the researchers have explained how they dug it up and it's been replicated. It's absolutely correct. And something we've known for a long time because whenever neighborhoods have suffered regional economic stress, when much industry left the Northeast of the United States which used to be, you know, the the bedrock of American manufacturing, or when Coal and Steel left the Pittsburgh area or when aspects parts of furniture manufacturing left parts of the southeast, we know from the medical information, that there's always a surge of male sexual dysfunction, not female. Because money is very much tied to the masculine identity of a man. Now, I'm not saying it's not hard when a woman suffers financial stress, it's terrible. When when women endure money shortage, it's very, very hard, but it doesn't cut at the core of their femininity. If anything, it actually does something the reverse now the topic, but for men, we know that that's a reality that when men experience difficulty bringing home the bacon as it were, when men have trouble creating the finances, they suffer in a very basic, fundamental, masculine way. And it's terrible. But there it is, it's just a reality. And how about in the other direction? Well, here, again, research done. And this was done in several countries. I found it done in Denmark, China, and the United States was around about 2007 2008. And I'm just going to read you the headlines from two British newspapers. Why British, because I was giving a speech for a British organization recently. And I happen to want to quote this, but I thought I'd use British newspapers for it. So I just happen to have it on my desk in front of me. And this is the telegraph. The British telegraph. And their headline wasn't on page one. But the headline in the paper read, women get more pleasure in bed from wealthy men. Okay, there, there it is. That was January 19 2009. And the famous times the The London Times the the Dowager of Fleet Street, the the the the prominent paper, I'm sure it would never have had a headline like this 50 years ago, but today, everything has changed and not for the better. And so I'm able to quote the headline of the times, they scooped the telegraph by one day, this was January 18 2009. And their headline is why women have better sex with rich men lunches. There it is just just like that. But again, when you think about it, it makes perfect sense. We also know that not only do men whose wives out earn them suffer a need for a certain well known blue tablet. But also we know that such marriages have a very low probability of long term success. We know that marriages in which there's a house husband, or do not look, I mean, I know people who've got married, and they told me Well, you know, I mean, makes sense, because she earns much more than I do. So I'm going to be the household and I'm going to be the stay at home dad, and she's going to support us for second marriages, by the way, that sometimes works out. Okay. But for first marriages, it's it's very rare. You know, you wish them well. You know, God bless you. I hope everything goes well. Wish you congratulations and much happiness. But in my heart, I'm I know, it's only going to be a matter of a couple of years before it's over. And what is the mechanism? Well, there's several interesting mechanisms. But one of the most obvious I've already spoken to you about remember, I read you Amy's letter, and Amy was attracted to now I know, she said it's just, it's just platonic. But at the same time, I also read the giveaway in a letter that the other girls are jealous that this guy chose to have lunch with her. Yeah, I get it. Makes perfect sense. I get it. And, and so what happens is women with house husbands, they don't look up to their husbands on a subconscious level. And they hate themselves for this because they think they're mad. They're not shallow, they're not superficial. They see much more in their husband than just the fact that he makes money. And the fact that he's now at home looking after the kids and running the house. That's wonderful. They love that but they don't. And most women do not love it. But most women deep down, end up with a lack of respect for the man. One of the mechanisms he feels that and no matter and feels attracted in a male female type of way to a woman who has contempt for him. He can't deal with it, there is no seductiveness there is no allure, there is no eroticism there at all. He needs we all do, we guys need to be looked up to in order to function at our masculine best. And women. What what happens is she's at work. And she's who she running into at work. She's running into high achieving guys, they're at work, they're not home, they're at work. And she is attracted, and they are attracted. And invariably, the invariable, or the inevitable happens, and that ends that kind of marriage. So in the situation where there are financial, where the man is not, it does not have the bank account. Don't be surprised that the bed suffers, and the marriage is doomed. And conversely, according to The Telegraph, and the times are according to the studies, they quote from Denmark and China and the United States, that
Daniel Lapin 51:16
women do feel more joy being together with affluent men. Now, does this does this make women shallow? Does this make women superficial? Does this make women gold diggers, or from the point of view of many men who've said to me, I just want to know that she loves me for me, not my money. You know, I've heard guys say that to me, I'll countless times and and I've heard women, when I suggest a possible match, I suggest to a woman, that there's a guy I'd like to give her number to. And I talked to one of the first things and so it's so cute to watch. She in a conversation, we she's trying to find out what his finances are. And she knows that if she actually says that it makes her look terrible. At least she believes that, in reality, it makes her look smart and wise and knowledgeable and, and caring about her future. It's not at all a problem. But you know, she she's trying to find out because it's really important to her to know. And if this gets dismissed as Oh, it's just hypergamy. You know, women want higher earning men. No, there's something far more profound going on here. In exactly the same way that women want to be with men who are taller than they are. Right? There are exceptions to that, obviously. But that's what women are, how do I know this because again, medical information in America is very solid, because every time you go to the doctor, they weigh you and they measure your height. And so we know, we know what the statistics are about men and women and height. And we know that the average height of men is about 595 10. We know the average height of women is about 5453. Somewhere around about there, five, five, maybe. And so you say well, the average height of men is five inches more than the average height of women. So obviously, in couples, you'll expect to see many more couples where the man is taller than the woman. But don't forget, both for men's heights. And for women's heights, there is something called a bell curve, the statistical distribution. And it's true that there are short women at five and five, two and five, three, in the middle women are five, four. And then over to the other end, you got Serena Williams, the tennis player, and Michelle Obama, the former let first lady who's six foot? So yes, you do have a number of very tall women number of very short women, you also have a number of very short men, very tall men. But what if we just went statistically, and randomly matched all the men and women in America because we know their heights, and we just let a computer match them. And then we looked at the couples, we would find that the men are taller than the women in about 60% of the cases. But from your own experience just looking at couples you see on the street and yet you know and you meet, you know that the actual figures are closer to 90%. How's that possible? Well, it's possible because only for three possibilities possibility one, men seek shorter women to women seek taller men. Three both. Those are the only possibilities that explain it. And sure enough, women do want to look up to their man metaphorically and literally as well apparently. So are. And one of the ways they look up to men is if he's taller and other way they look up to him as if he is financially successful. Now, that's not all there is. Women can look up to a man and do look up to a man as well for character attributes of integrity, and kindness, and so on and so forth. But here's the important thing, that very few indicators tell you more about a man than his relationship with money. And so when a woman wants to know what the financial status of a guy is, before she goes out with him, that's not because she wants to spend his money. It's because somehow on a very deep level, she understands that money is made, when a lot of people know you, like you and trust you. And so she, she knows intuitively, that if a guy has made money, and by the way, a lot of women are very uneasy with inherited money for good reason, because it doesn't tell you the same thing. But if a man has made some money, it says to the woman, hey, this, you know what, they're a bunch of other people who know him and like him and trust him, that's a good recommendation for me to go out with him. You know, it doesn't matter whether you consult economists or finances or Dean's of business schools or a director of the International Monetary Fund. If you ask people like that, what's money, you'll always get pretty much the same answer. It'll go something like this. Money is a government authorized circulating medium of exchange that allows us to count and store value. And that's pretty good. There's nothing much untrue about that definition. But it doesn't tell you the whole story. If you really want an A better understanding of money, you should get hold of a book written by William James, a great American psychologist in 1890, over 100 years old, the books called the Principles of Psychology. And in chapter 10, William James, who has a much, much more correct understanding of the human soul, then, shall we say, uncle, Sigmund Freud. William James is not trying to define money, but he's helping us understand the the range of its impact on our lives. So let me read out of William James Book Principles of Psychology, you will love this. In pardon me, in its widest possible sense, however, a man's self is the sum total of all that he can call his not only his body and his mental powers, but his clothes and his house, his wife and children, his ancestors and friends, his reputation, and his work, his land and property, and his horses and his yacht, in his bank account. All these things, give him the same emotions. If they wax and prosper, he feels triumphant. If they dwindle and die away, he feels cost down, not necessarily in the same degree for each thing. But in much the same way for all. My dear happy warriors that is so profound. It's so magnificent, is exactly right. And so yes, that does tell us a whole lot about a man. And when a woman wants to know, what a man's financial relationships are, before she goes out with them, before she considers him as a serious potential marriage partner. She's 100% Correct. So just to clarify, yes, There absolutely are many things that a woman can admire in a potential husband. There are many things that a woman can admire. In a man she is looking at. Kindness, sense of humor, integrity, and uprightness, all of those things are lovely. And if he's part of a crowd of men that look up to him. And this is one of the reasons men in uniform are attractive, because if he's a fireman, there's a an indication that he's part of a bunch of guys who know him and like Him and trust Him and that says to him, and that's good. That's why they seem attractive. That makes sense. But in general, all of those things are in addition to his financial relationships in addition, right, because that's fundamental. His masculinity, which you know, at the heart, that we're talking about bed and bank account, those the two things do go together at the heart, an aspect of his masculine attraction is precisely the fact that he can provide financially, that's really important. Now, if in addition to that, he's also got a sense of humor. And he's good looking, he's cute. And in addition to that, he's got a lot of impressive guy friends that he hangs out with. And in addition to that, he's got a sense of humor, and he's got integrity, all of those things, why Bonanza, you hit the jackpot. But
Daniel Lapin 1:00:55
it's problematic if those things are going to have to take the place of the fundamental of finances. And I hope that's clear, happy warriors, and I hope you are going to be able to help people not only yourselves, but but help other people as well, either by helping people who need to know to hear this show, or teaching it to them yourselves. I mean, look, I've said before that, that what a man does between 13 and 23, really important, so much so that a little game I sometimes play at personal appearances, is I will ask people to come up to me afterwards guys, not women. And tell me how you spent roughly you know, quick summary of how you spent the 10 years from your Bar Mitzvah to the age of 23. And I will now tell you a whole lot about your current life. Since we never met till this moment, how do I know? Because so much of your current life depends on what you did between the ages of 13 and 23. Really important. And, and so yeah, this stuff, this stuff is difficult and painful, especially for guys. Because you know what, what men often say to me, when I teach this sort of stuff is, you know, where were you when I needed to hear this when I was 18 years old. And that's problematic. And I really, I really do understand and I empathize, it is it is hard. But I can't massage you with warm butter, you know that I have to tell you how the world really works. And, and there is no case to speak off of financial stress today. That doesn't have its roots in a mistake that was made yesterday. The past you, we can't relive it, we can only make the best of the present, play their hands were dealt right. Accepting, we will not dealt these hands by chance. We may have been poorly guided by parents and teachers. Maybe they tried to guide us and we didn't listen. But how we spent those years from 13 to 23. has a lot to do with the circumstances we face and deal with today. Not inevitably, there are many fortunate guys who escape the negativity of the early years and have done fantastically well. There are many people like that. But and then the other way as well, you know, there are people who had wonderful 13 to 23 and then things went horribly bad that has also happened sometimes there have been drugs or alcohol involved, whatever it is different things but bottom line, yes. And the the importance in marriage of bed and bank account. And, and generally speaking, yeah, it is a you know, we're not roommates, we're married, so our resources are ours. And, and if I am going to work every day and my wife is keeping me free of worry about our children, there's they're not being taken care of by a government childcare worker. And, and they're not being subjected to to bad influences at the local government indoctrination center, namely a public school and she's doing all these things, then she is fully entitled and right to speak about our money, not his money. It's our money because I couldn't possibly succeed if it wasn't for her. We're partners. That's how the system works. So now you would understand why our newest book is called the holistic you, integrating your family and your finances, your faith, and your friendships and your fitness. Because these are all part of interrelated components of a complex system called your life. And we've been speaking about the family finance part of it, the bed and the bank account, in this particular show, but you get the idea, and, and if you haven't yet read the holistic you, then I want to ask that you do so because it is going to have a profound impact on how you deal with your physical health, your social life, your friendships, your finances, your marital life, your faith, life, all of these things, do tie together in shockingly unexpected ways. And understanding that allows you to deploy these principles most effectively in every area of your life. So there it is the holistic view, waiting for you at your local bookseller. So that is, ladies and gentlemen, as far as I think we should take it. Although there's so much more to go on this topic. I mean, wouldn't you? Wouldn't you be interested to hear why it is. And this would I would address primarily to young single guys who are waiting to find the one that went into it. Oh, the one soulmate who is destined to them? Wouldn't it be interesting to talk about why such a guy, if he's a good man, if he's a solid man, if he's a man who's got his five paths together, a man like that could marry any one of 20 women. And a few years down the road, they're all gonna make terrific wives, that he's gonna have a wonderful life, it doesn't matter. Very little hinges on the precise choice of exactly the one person. But for that to be true, you got to be a real man. More on that, in another show coming up soon. But for this show, happy warriors. Thanks for being part of us. And, as always, I'd love to hear your comments on the happy warriors website, which means if you're not a happy warrior yet, join our community. We'd love that. We Happy warriors.com and let me know your reaction to this particular show. And things you might like to either argue probe, find out more information on whatever happy to always oblige. Always love interacting with you at the we happy warriors website. So thanks for being with us. And thanks for all you do for the show. Thanks for getting the word around and getting lots and lots and lots of new listeners. I appreciate that. And I wish you a joyful and uplifting Christmas as we move ahead towards 2020 for the new year, wishing you a week of growth onwards and upwards with your family and your finances, your faith, your fitness and your friendships. I'm Rabbi Daniel Lapin. God bless
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
